# Comedic Shakespeare Monologues for Women: Nine Speeches With Run Times > Nine comic Shakespeare speeches for women that are off the usual lists (Maria, Katherina, Rosalind twice, Beatrice, Portia, the Nurse, Mistress Quickly, and Mistress Page), each with the act and scene, the setup, the joke to play, a run time, and a cut. - URL: https://www.offbook.com/blog/comedic-shakespeare-monologues-for-women - Published: 2026-11-11 - Last updated: 2026-11-11 The festival notice wants one comic Shakespeare piece and one serious one, and you have the serious one ready. For the comic slot, the lists you open keep offering Phebe and Helena, and you've already heard both done three times in class this term. You want something funny that the panel hasn't heard all morning. The short version: Shakespeare's funniest women are often servants, hostesses, and wives, not only the young lovers. Pick a woman who wants something right now and goes about it with total conviction. Below are nine comic speeches, all public domain, with where each sits, what just happened, the joke you play, and how long it runs out loud. ## What the overdone lists actually say A drama-school coaching blog, [Acting Coach Scotland](https://www.actingcoachscotland.co.uk/blog/most-over-done-shakespeare-monologues-drama-school-auditions), names what it calls the seven most popular women's Shakespeare speeches (its title says most overdone): Lady Percy in *Henry IV, Part 2*, Rosalind in Act 3, Scene 5 of *As You Like It*, Viola's ring speech, Emilia's speech about husbands, Julia with the torn letter, Portia in *Julius Caesar*, and Hermione at her trial. Its own view is that those speeches are popular because they're good. Notice how few of those are comic. Julia and the Rosalind scene are, and that's about it, so the comic slot gets crowded with the handful of light speeches that turn up everywhere. None of the nine below is on that list. Juilliard, for one, doesn't ban famous speeches. Its [monologue FAQ](https://apply.juilliard.edu/www/documents/Monologue%20FAQs.pdf) says it keeps no list of pieces to stay away from and asks for speeches you feel connected to, whether they are commonly used or obscure. A lesser-known piece is an edge with a panel that has heard a lot of Phebe, not a rule. ## How we picked and timed these Every speech here is spoken by a woman, plays for laughs in context, and appears in none of our other monologue guides: not in [short comedic monologues](https://www.offbook.com/blog/short-comedic-monologues) (where you'll find Phebe and Helena), not in [lesser-known monologues for women](https://www.offbook.com/blog/lesser-known-monologues-for-women), and not on our [comedic monologues](https://www.offbook.com/monologues/comedic), [monologues for women](https://www.offbook.com/monologues/for-women), or [Shakespeare monologues](https://www.offbook.com/monologues/shakespeare) pages, which have full text and cut points for the famous ones. Word counts and quotes come from the Project Gutenberg edition linked for each play, with speech headings and stage directions removed. Times assume 140 words a minute, the average pace in our [monologue timer](https://www.offbook.com/tools/monologue-timer). A laugh you wait for adds seconds, so time yourself standing up. Then check the clock against the notice. The [St. Louis Shakespeare Festival](https://stlshakes.org/auditions/) tells actors that 65 seconds is fine and two minutes is too long. The [Houston Shakespeare Festival's 2026 call](https://www.uh.edu/shakespeare/_files/hsf-auditioninfo-2026.pdf) asked for a comic and a serious Shakespeare monologue running no more than two minutes together. UNCSA's [high school audition requirements](https://uncsa.edu/admissions/drama/high-school/audition-requirements.aspx) cap each monologue at 90 seconds and list comic and serious as one possible contrast. One more check: verse or prose. Juilliard asks for classical pieces in verse, not prose, and six of the nine speeches below are prose. We've marked each speech so you can tell at a glance. ## Under a minute ### Katherina, "The more my wrong, the more his spite appears" (*The Taming of the Shrew*) From [*The Taming of the Shrew*](https://www.offbook.com/plays/the-taming-of-the-shrew), Act 4, Scene 3, in the [Gutenberg edition](https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/1508). Verse. Katherina has just been married to Petruchio, who has kept her from food and sleep at his house, all in the name of love. She tries to talk his servant Grumio into feeding her. About 121 words, roughly 52 seconds. The joke: Shakespeare's shrew is reduced to begging a servant for lunch, and she's outraged that she has to. *What, did he marry me to famish me?* She lists her suffering (*Am starv’d for meat, giddy for lack of sleep;*) and saves her real fury for *He does it under name of perfect love;*. Play the hunger as real and the dignity as fragile. See [Katherina's whole part](https://www.offbook.com/plays/the-taming-of-the-shrew/katharina) before you pick it, since the panel may ask about the ending. ### Maria, "If you desire the spleen" (*Twelfth Night*) From [*Twelfth Night*](https://www.offbook.com/plays/twelfth-night), Act 3, Scene 2, in the [Gutenberg edition](https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/1526). Prose. Maria, Olivia's gentlewoman, has dropped a forged letter that convinced the steward Malvolio his lady loves him and wants him in yellow stockings. Now she runs in to tell Sir Toby it worked. Two speeches with Toby's *And cross-gartered?* between them, about 135 words together, roughly 58 seconds. The joke: she wrote the prank, and she is enjoying every second of it. *If you desire the spleen, and will laugh yourselves into stitches, follow me.* The best image is saved for the second speech: *He does smile his face into more lines than is in the new map*. Drop Toby's line and keep going; she'd answer it before he asked. Play her as a reporter racing to get the story out first. ## About a minute ### Rosalind, "No, faith, die by attorney" (*As You Like It*) From [*As You Like It*](https://www.offbook.com/plays/as-you-like-it), Act 4, Scene 1, in the [Gutenberg edition](https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/1523). Prose. In the forest, Rosalind is disguised as a young man, Ganymede, who has offered to cure Orlando of love by letting him woo "Rosalind." She tells him she won't have him, and he says, *Then, in mine own person, I die.* About 140 words, almost exactly a minute. The joke: she's arguing that no one has ever died for love, to the man she's madly in love with. She takes the great love stories apart one at a time, Troilus and Leander, until the flat ending: *Men have died from time to time and worms have eaten them*, but not for love. Enjoy being right. This isn't the Act 3, Scene 5 speech on the popular list. The [Rosalind role page](https://www.offbook.com/plays/as-you-like-it/rosalind) has her other scenes. ### Beatrice, "What should I do with him?" (*Much Ado About Nothing*) From [*Much Ado About Nothing*](https://www.offbook.com/plays/much-ado-about-nothing), Act 2, Scene 1, in the [Gutenberg edition](https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/1519). Prose. Before the masked dance, her uncle Leonato and his brother tease Beatrice that she'll never get a husband with a tongue like hers. She agrees, gladly. Run her two speeches from *What should I do with him?* to *as merry as the day is long*, cutting Leonato's one line between, for about 150 words, roughly 1 minute 4 seconds. The joke: she has reasoned her way out of marriage with airtight logic. A man with a beard is too old, a man without one too young: *He that hath a beard is more than a youth*. She'll end up at the gates of hell, where the Devil turns her away (*here’s no place for you maids.*). To add her opener, *Lord! I could not endure a husband with a beard on his face*, start at those words in her speech before and cut Leonato's line, *You may light on a husband that hath no beard.* (about 170 words, 1:13). Need it shorter? A little later, her advice to Hero runs about 102 words, roughly 44 seconds, built on one long joke: *wooing, wedding, and repenting is as a Scotch jig, a measure, and a cinquepace*. Our [Beatrice role page](https://www.offbook.com/plays/much-ado-about-nothing/beatrice) lists the rest of her part. ### Portia, "I’ll hold thee any wager" (*The Merchant of Venice*) From [*The Merchant of Venice*](https://www.offbook.com/plays/the-merchant-of-venice), Act 3, Scene 4, in the [Gutenberg edition](https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/1515). Verse. Her new husband Bassanio has rushed to Venice to save his friend Antonio from Shylock's bond. Portia has just sent a servant to her cousin, Doctor Bellario, and tells her waiting-woman Nerissa they're going to Venice too, dressed as men. Nerissa asks, *Shall they see us?* The speech begins *They shall, Nerissa*; about 152 words, roughly 1 minute 5 seconds. The joke: a great lady doing a merciless impression of young men. She'll walk with *a manly stride* and boast of women who died for love of her, and she's sure *I’ll prove the prettier fellow of the two,*. Act out each trick as she names it. It's verse, so it suits a call that rules out prose. Read [Portia's part](https://www.offbook.com/plays/the-merchant-of-venice/portia) for the trial scene she's planning. ### The Nurse, "Even or odd, of all days in the year" (*Romeo and Juliet*) From [*Romeo and Juliet*](https://www.offbook.com/plays/romeo-and-juliet), Act 1, Scene 3, in the [Gutenberg edition](https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/1513). Verse. Lady Capulet wants to talk to her daughter about marrying Paris, and mentions Juliet's age. The Nurse, who breastfed Juliet, can't let that go by. In this section it's the cut that runs about a minute; the full speech is about 287 words, roughly 2 minutes 3 seconds. It's a tragedy, but this speech plays as comedy. The joke: she's asked a simple question and answers with her whole life. *Come Lammas Eve at night shall she be fourteen.* She drifts to Susan, who *is with God*, then the earthquake, the weaning, and keeps insisting *Nay, I do bear a brain.* Cut it at *To bid me trudge.* for about 164 words, roughly 1 minute 10 seconds. In the full speech, she still isn't done when Lady Capulet tells her to hold her peace. ## Over a minute ### Mistress Quickly, "Marry, if thou wert an honest man" (*Henry IV, Part 2*) From [*Henry IV, Part 2*](https://www.offbook.com/plays/henry-iv-part-ii), Act 2, Scene 1, in the [Gutenberg edition](https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/1518), where her speech heading is HOSTESS. She runs the tavern where Falstaff drinks on credit and has had him arrested for debt. The Lord Chief Justice has stepped in, and Falstaff asks how much he owes her. About 184 words, roughly 1 minute 19 seconds. The joke: the debt is the least of it. *Thou didst swear to me upon a parcel-gilt goblet*, she begins, and you get every detail, the room, the fire, the day, the neighbor who came to borrow vinegar, all to prove he promised *to marry me and make me my lady thy wife.* She wins on evidence and loses on grammar. End on *Deny it, if thou canst.* and hold the stare. ### Rosalind, "It is not the fashion to see the lady the epilogue" (*As You Like It*) From [*As You Like It*](https://www.offbook.com/plays/as-you-like-it), the Epilogue, in the [Gutenberg edition](https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/1523). Prose. The weddings are done and Rosalind stays behind alone to ask the audience for applause. The full speech is about 227 words, roughly 1 minute 37 seconds. Cut it at *therefore to beg will not become me.* for about 103 words, roughly 44 seconds. The joke is partly historical. Until 1660, as the Folger Shakespeare Library's history of [the first English actresses](https://www.folger.edu/blogs/shakespeare-and-beyond/the-first-english-actresses/) notes, women's parts on the professional stage were played by young men or boys. So when Rosalind says *If I were a woman,* the first audience knew the actor wasn't. Today you play the charm: she flirts with the whole house, women first, then men. It's direct address, which makes the panel your partner. ### Mistress Page, "What, have I scaped love-letters" (*The Merry Wives of Windsor*) From [*The Merry Wives of Windsor*](https://www.offbook.com/plays/the-merry-wives-of-windsor), Act 2, Scene 1, in the [Gutenberg edition](https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/1517). Prose. Falstaff, old, fat, and short of money, has written love letters to two married women of Windsor, hoping to get at their husbands' money. Mistress Page enters reading hers. About 254 words with the letter, roughly 1 minute 49 seconds. The joke: she reads the letter aloud, every clumsy line of it (*You love sack, and so do I.*), and then she explodes: *What a Herod of Jewry is this!* She threatens to *exhibit a bill in the parliament for the putting down of men.* She ends vowing revenge *as sure as his guts are made of puddings.* Play the letter in his voice, then hers. To cut, keep her opening two lines and skip to *What a Herod of Jewry is this!* for about 135 words, roughly 58 seconds. You lose the letter's jokes, so only cut it for a hard one-minute limit. ## Match the pick to the time limit - **Under a minute:** the Rosalind epilogue cut (44 seconds), Beatrice to Hero (44 seconds), Katherina (52 seconds), Maria (58 seconds), the Mistress Page cut (58 seconds). - **About a minute:** Rosalind in Act 4 (1:00), Beatrice on beards (1:04), Portia (1:05), the Nurse cut (1:10). - **Over a minute:** Beatrice with her opener (1:13), Mistress Quickly (1:19), the full epilogue (1:37), Mistress Page in full (1:49), the Nurse in full (2:03). - **Verse only:** Katherina, Portia, and the Nurse. The rest are prose. For Houston's two-minute total, a comic piece under a minute leaves room for a serious one just over a minute: Katherina's 52 seconds next to a dramatic speech of about 1:05 fits. Our guide to [choosing contrasting monologues](https://www.offbook.com/blog/how-to-choose-contrasting-monologues) covers the pairing, and [how to perform a comedic monologue](https://www.offbook.com/blog/how-to-perform-a-comedic-monologue) covers making the laughs land. ## Play the comedy straight Every one of these women means what she says. Mistress Quickly isn't trying to be funny; she's trying to get paid. Katherina really is starving. The laugh comes from the gap between how serious she is and how the audience sees it, and it disappears the moment you wink at the panel. 1. Read the whole play once, then your scene three times. Write down what happened in the minute before your first line. 2. Name what she wants by the end: Grumio brings food, Falstaff pays up, Orlando stops sighing. 3. Paraphrase every line, and look up words like *cinquepace*, *parcel-gilt*, and *Lammas* before you rehearse. 4. Find the turn, like Mistress Page going from reading to *What a Herod of Jewry is this!* 5. Time it standing up, at full volume, three times, and keep the slowest run. Comic prose is easy to paraphrase by accident, because there's no meter to tell you a word has gone missing. In Offbook, you can hide your lines and say each one from memory, or swap your words for first-letter cues as a halfway step, as the video below shows. For the speeches that come off a cue, such as Orlando's or Nerissa's line, upload the scene and Offbook reads the cue aloud and waits for you to finish. Video: [Hide your lines](https://www.offbook.com/learn/hide-your-lines) (1:07) For the first-letter step on its own, our free [first-letter memorizer](https://www.offbook.com/tools/first-letter-memorizer) works with any speech you paste in. Every play above is free to read in our [play library](https://www.offbook.com/plays). ## Questions actors ask ### What are good comedic Shakespeare monologues for women? Beyond the usual two, try Maria in *Twelfth Night*, Katherina starving in *The Taming of the Shrew*, Rosalind's Act 4 speech or her epilogue, Beatrice on husbands, Portia planning her disguise, the Nurse, Mistress Quickly, and Mistress Page with Falstaff's letter. ### Is Phebe or Helena a good comic audition speech? Yes. Phebe's *Think not I love him* and Helena's *How happy some* are both covered in our [short comedic monologues](https://www.offbook.com/blog/short-comedic-monologues) guide, and neither is on Acting Coach Scotland's list. Both work well. If you'd rather bring something the panel may not expect, any of the nine above fills the same slot. ### What is a funny Shakespeare monologue under a minute? Katherina's *The more my wrong* (about 52 seconds) and Maria's *If you desire the spleen* (about 58) run under a minute in full. Beatrice's advice to Hero and the Rosalind epilogue cut both run about 44 seconds. ### Which Shakespeare comedy monologues are overdone? No school we checked publishes a ban. Acting Coach Scotland's list of the most popular women's speeches includes two comic ones, Julia with the torn letter and Rosalind in Act 3, Scene 5. Juilliard keeps no list to avoid, so a famous speech done well still works.