# Ivanov: I am a bad, abject, worthless man (Ivanov’s soliloquy) > What is happening, what every line means, how to perform it, and how to use it in an audition, with the full text. - URL: https://www.offbook.com/monologues/i-am-a-bad-abject-worthless-man - Last updated: 2026-10-08 From [Ivanov](https://www.offbook.com/plays/ivanov) by Anton Chekhov, Act 3. ## What is happening This is Act 3 of Ivanov, Chekhov’s early full-length play (first staged in 1887 and revised in 1889), in Constance Garnett’s translation. Nikolay Ivanov is a thirty-five-year-old country landowner who used to be full of energy and big plans. Now he is depressed, deep in debt, and the favorite subject of the district’s gossip. Five years ago he married Anna Petrovna, who was born Sarra, a Jewish woman who changed her religion to marry him. Her parents cursed her and cut her off, so the fortune the neighbors assume he married her for never came. She is now dying of consumption, and her doctor, Lvov, tells Ivanov that his coldness is killing her. In Act 2, at a birthday party at the Lebedyevs’ house, their daughter Sasha told Ivanov she loved him, and Anna walked in on them kissing. It is midday in Ivanov’s study, where papers, vodka and revolvers lie on the desk. His old friend Lebedyev, whom he calls Pasha, has just offered him a secret loan and urged him to come and see Sasha. Ivanov has sent him away. Alone, he turns on himself. As soon as he finishes, Lvov comes in to confront him, and by the end of the act Ivanov, provoked by Anna, tells her she is going to die. The play ends about a year after Anna’s death, on his wedding day to Sasha, when he shoots himself. - Lines: 25 - Words: 331 - At 150 words a minute: 2.2 minutes - Form: Prose ## The speech, beat by beat The full text in 5 beats. Under each beat: what it means in plain English, and a note for playing it. ### Lines 1–5: I despise myself 1. I am a bad, abject, worthless man. 2. One has to be as abject, broken and shattered as Pasha to like and respect me. 3. How I despise myself, my God! 4. How I hate my voice, my step, my hands, these clothes, my thoughts! 5. Isn’t it absurd, isn’t it mortifying? **In plain English:** I am a bad, low, worthless man. Only someone as low, broken and wrecked as Pasha could like and respect me. How I despise myself, my God! How I hate my voice, my walk, my hands, these clothes, my thoughts! Isn’t it ridiculous, isn’t it humiliating? **Acting note:** What sets it off is kindness. A drunk, henpecked old friend has just offered him money, and that is the measure of how far he has fallen. Line 4 is a list of his own body: let him notice each part as he names it. ### Lines 6–8: Who I was 6. It’s not a year since I was strong and well, I was inexhaustible, full of warmth and confidence, I worked with these same hands, I could speak so as to move even the ignorant to tears, I could weep at the sight of sorrow, was moved to wrath at the sight of wrongdoing. 7. I knew the meaning of inspiration, I felt the charm and poetry of still nights when from sunset to sunrise one sits at one’s writing-table or gladdens one’s soul with dreams. 8. I had faith, I could look into the future as into my mother’s eyes. … **In plain English:** Less than a year ago I was strong and healthy, tireless, full of warmth and confidence. I worked with these same hands. I could speak so as to move even ignorant people to tears; I wept at sorrow and raged at wrongdoing. I knew what inspiration was. I felt the poetry of quiet nights spent at my writing-table from sunset to sunrise, or lost in dreams. I had faith: I could look into the future the way I looked into my mother’s eyes. **Acting note:** The memory has to be warm and vivid, or the fall means nothing. “These same hands” are the hands he just said he hates. Let the old confidence come back into his voice for a moment. ### Lines 9–14: Who I am 9. But now, oh, my God! 10. I am worn out, I have no faith, I spend days and nights doing nothing. 11. My brains do not obey me, nor my hands nor my feet. 12. My property is going to ruin, the forest is falling under the axe. 13. My land looks at me like a deserted child. 14. I expect nothing, I regret nothing; my soul shudders with fear of the morrow. … **In plain English:** But now, my God! I am worn out, I have no faith, I spend days and nights doing nothing. My brain won’t obey me, and neither will my hands or my feet. My estate is going to ruin and the forest is being cut down. My land looks at me like an abandoned child. I expect nothing and regret nothing; my soul shudders at the thought of tomorrow. **Acting note:** Line 9 drops like a stone after the memory. Chekhov marks that he weeps at “the forest is falling under the axe”; it can come up suddenly and be pushed down. The deserted child is the image that breaks him. ### Lines 15–19: Sarra 15. And the way I have treated Sarra! 16. I swore to love her forever, I promised her happiness, I displayed before her a future she had not imagined in her dreams. 17. She believed me. 18. For five years I’ve seen her pining away under the weight of her sacrifice, and worn out by the struggle with her conscience, but, as God is above, there has not been one doubtful glance, not one word of reproach! 19. And here I’ve ceased to love her. … **In plain English:** And the way I have treated Sarra! I swore to love her forever, promised her happiness, and showed her a future beyond anything she had dreamed of. She believed me. For five years I have watched her wasting away under the weight of what she gave up, worn out by the struggle with her conscience, and yet, as God is my witness, not one doubtful look, not one word of blame! And now I have stopped loving her. **Acting note:** He uses her old name, the one she gave up for him. “She believed me” is three words; let them sit. Line 19 is the confession the whole speech has been circling. ### Lines 20–25: How? Why? 20. How? 21. Why? 22. What for? 23. I don’t understand it. 24. Here she is suffering; her days are numbered, and I, like the meanest sneak, run away from her pale face, her sunken chest, her supplicating eyes. 25. It’s shameful, shameful! **In plain English:** How? Why? What for? I don’t understand it. She is suffering, her days are numbered, and I, like the lowest coward, run away from her pale face, her hollow chest, her pleading eyes. It’s shameful, shameful! **Acting note:** Three one-word questions, and he means each one; he really does not know. This page ends on his verdict on himself, where Chekhov marks a pause. In the play he goes on to Sasha, more questions, and “I might as well shoot myself and have done with it!” ## Hard words | Word | Line | Meaning | | --- | --- | --- | | *abject* | 1 | low, wretched, contemptible | | *Pasha* | 2 | his friend Lebedyev (a pet form of his first name, Pavel) | | *mortifying* | 5 | humiliating | | *inexhaustible* | 6 | tireless | | *wrath* | 6 | anger | | *falling under the axe* | 12 | being cut down | | *the morrow* | 14 | tomorrow; the future | | *Sarra* | 15 | his wife Anna Petrovna’s name before she converted to marry him | | *the meanest sneak* | 24 | the lowest coward | | *supplicating* | 24 | pleading, begging | ## How to perform it - Play the objective. Ivanov wants to understand what has happened to him. The speech is an interrogation of himself, full of questions he cannot answer. Don’t play a man wallowing; play a man trying hard to find the cause and failing. - Make the self-disgust physical. Voice, step, hands, clothes: he hates his own body. Use your hands on line 4 and again on “these same hands” in line 6, so the audience sees the before and after in one gesture. - Contrast is everything. Lines 6 to 8 must be full of real warmth and energy, the man he was, so that “But now, oh, my God!” in line 9 lands as a fall. If the memory is played as sad, there is nowhere to fall from. - Shape the prose. Line 6 is a long run of “I was … I worked … I could”; let it gather speed like the old confidence returning, then break it off. After that the sentences shorten until they are single words in lines 20 to 22. The rhythm itself tells the story of a collapse. - Beware of Hamlet. Later in this act Ivanov sneers that Sasha thinks she has found “a second Hamlet” in him, and in Act 4 he says he has “played the Hamlet.” Avoid noble, poetic melancholy. What is real is the shame. - Common mistakes: one long note of misery; self-pity instead of self-contempt; and hurrying through Sarra. Lines 15 to 25 are where the guilt sits. He is not only sad; he is hurting a dying woman, and he knows it. ## Using it in an audition The full soliloquy runs about three minutes, too long for most slots, so this page ends it at line 25, “It’s shameful, shameful!”, where Chekhov marks a pause. That version runs a little over two minutes at a conversational pace and ends on a clear verdict. If you have the time, the rest is in the play straight after: Sasha, the questions about his nerves, and “I might as well shoot myself.” The 60-second cut marked in the text ends at line 9, “But now, oh, my God!”, which works only as a cliff edge. The 90-second mark falls at line 16, partway into the section about Sarra; line 14 (“my soul shudders with fear of the morrow”) is a cleaner stop, just under a minute and a half. Ivanov says he is thirty-five, so it suits actors from their late twenties to their forties. It is a heavy, inward piece; pair it with something light and outward, such as Petruchio’s “Thus have I politicly begun my reign” or Benedick’s “This can be no trick.” Ivanov, Ivanov, Act 3. Anton Chekhov. Public domain text. ## How long it runs | Pace | Words a minute | Run time | | --- | --- | --- | | Deliberate | 130 | 2.5 minutes | | Conversational | 150 | 2.2 minutes | | Brisk | 170 | 1.9 minutes | These are speech times before pauses. To time your own run, paste the text into the [monologue timer](https://www.offbook.com/tools/monologue-timer). Cut points that stop at a full sentence: near 60 seconds (after line 9) and 90 seconds (after line 16). ## Practice it: first-letter version Each word is cut to its first letter. Say the whole line from the letters, then check the text. Make cues from any script with the [first-letter memorizer](https://www.offbook.com/tools/first-letter-memorizer). ```text I a a b, a, w m. O h t b a a, b a s a P t l a r m. H I d m, m G! H I h m v, m s, m h, t c, m t! I i a, i i m? I n a y s I w s a w, I w i, f o w a c, I w w t s h, I c s s a t m e t i t t, I c w a t s o s, w m t w a t s o w. I k t m o i, I f t c a p o s n w f s t s o s a o w-t o g o s w d. I h f, I c l i t f a i m m e. … B n, o, m G! I a w o, I h n f, I s d a n d n. M b d n o m, n m h n m f. M p i g t r, t f i f u t a. M l l a m l a d c. I e n, I r n; m s s w f o t m. … A t w I h t S! I s t l h f, I p h h, I d b h a f s h n i i h d. S b m. F f y I s h p a u t w o h s, a w o b t s w h c, b, a G i a, t h n b o d g, n o w o r! A h I c t l h. … H? W? W f? I d u i. H s i s; h d a n, a I, l t m s, r a f h p f, h s c, h s e. I s, s! ``` More lists: [Monologues for men](https://www.offbook.com/monologues/for-men), [Dramatic monologues](https://www.offbook.com/monologues/dramatic), [Monologues from modern classics](https://www.offbook.com/monologues/modern-classics). ## Sources - [Ivanov (play) (Wikipedia)](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ivanov_(play)) - [Anton Chekhov | Britannica](https://www.britannica.com/biography/Anton-Chekhov) - [Ivanov, translated by Constance Garnett (Standard Ebooks text)](https://standardebooks.org/ebooks/anton-chekhov/ivanov/constance-garnett/text/single-page) ## Questions actors ask ### How long is Ivanov’s I am a bad, abject, worthless man (Ivanov’s soliloquy) speech? 25 lines and 331 words. At 150 words a minute it runs about 2.2 minutes; a slower, more deliberate delivery at 130 takes about 2.5 minutes. Pauses add time, so time a full run out loud. ### Is it a good audition monologue? The full soliloquy runs about three minutes, too long for most slots, so this page ends it at line 25, “It’s shameful, shameful!”, where Chekhov marks a pause. That version runs a little over two minutes at a conversational pace and ends on a clear verdict. If you have the time, the rest is in the play straight after: Sasha, the questions about his nerves, and “I might as well shoot myself.” The 60-second cut marked in the text ends at line 9, “But now, oh, my God!”, which works only as a cliff edge. The 90-second mark falls at line 16, partway into the section about Sarra; line 14 (“my soul shudders with fear of the morrow”) is a cleaner stop, just under a minute and a half. Ivanov says he is thirty-five, so it suits actors from their late twenties to their forties. It is a heavy, inward piece; pair it with something light and outward, such as Petruchio’s “Thus have I politicly begun my reign” or Benedick’s “This can be no trick.” ### What is the fastest way to memorize it? Learn it in sense units, not line by line: say each thought out loud until you can do it without looking, then add the next. The first-letter version below keeps the shape of every line in view while you test yourself. ## How we count Counts are computed from the full text of the [Standard Ebooks edition](https://standardebooks.org/ebooks/anton-chekhov/ivanov/constance-garnett) (public domain; retrieved 2026-11-11). Words are every spoken word, with stage directions removed. Lines are verse lines as printed, plus prose at 10 words a line, because prose has no fixed line breaks; editions differ, so other sources give slightly different line counts. Time is words at 140 words a minute, before pauses and stage business. A role is counted in a scene when it speaks there. To count a script that is not in the library, paste it into the [script line counter](https://www.offbook.com/tools/script-line-counter).