# You Never Can Tell: every role by lines, words, and stage time

> George Bernard Shaw. 18 speaking roles, 20,558 words, about 147 minutes of speech.

- URL: https://www.offbook.com/plays/you-never-can-tell
- Last updated: 2026-10-08

**Valentine** has the most to say in You Never Can Tell: about 545 lines and 4,368 words, 21.2% of the play. You Never Can Tell is Shaw’s seaside comedy about a family who meet the father they never knew. Valentine, a young dentist, has the largest part, about a fifth of the words. Mrs. Clandon is next, and the Waiter is a large and memorable role at third. Gloria, Philip, and Dolly all speak in every act.

- Speaking roles: 18
- Scenes: 4
- Words: 20,558
- Speech time: 147 min

## Every role, largest first

| Role | Lines | Words | Share | Minutes | Scenes |
| --- | --- | --- | --- | --- | --- |
| Valentine | 545 | 4,368 | 21.2% | 31.2 | 4 |
| Mrs. Clandon | 362 | 2,767 | 13.5% | 19.8 | 4 |
| Waiter | 292 | 2,409 | 11.7% | 17.2 | 3 |
| Crampton | 287 | 2,176 | 10.6% | 15.5 | 3 |
| Gloria | 294 | 2,137 | 10.4% | 15.3 | 4 |
| McComas | 251 | 2,036 | 9.9% | 14.5 | 3 |
| Philip | 247 | 1,732 | 8.4% | 12.4 | 4 |
| Dolly | 226 | 1,399 | 6.8% | 10.0 | 4 |
| Bohun | 121 | 1,006 | 4.9% | 7.2 | 1 |
| The Young Lady | 39 | 288 | 1.4% | 2.1 | 1 |
| The Dentist | 20 | 104 | 0.5% | 0.7 | 1 |
| The Parlor Maid | 12 | 56 | 0.3% | 0.4 | 1 |
| The Gentleman | 9 | 39 | 0.2% | 0.3 | 1 |
| The Stranger | 2 | 16 | 0.1% | 0.1 | 1 |
| The Columbine | 2 | 12 | 0.1% | 0.1 | 1 |
| The Young Gentleman | 2 | 7 | 0% | 0.1 | 1 |
| Dolly’s voice | 1 | 2 | 0% | 0.0 | 1 |
| Philip’s voice | 1 | 1 | 0% | 0.0 | 1 |

## Who speaks in which scene

Words each role speaks in each scene (scene: words). Scenes: Act 1 = Act 1; Act 2 = Act 2; Act 3 = Act 3; Act 4 = Act 4.

- **Valentine**: Act 1 (1,083), Act 2 (1,266), Act 3 (1,134), Act 4 (885)
- **Mrs. Clandon**: Act 1 (731), Act 2 (597), Act 3 (1,111), Act 4 (328)
- **Waiter**: Act 2 (1,378), Act 3 (287), Act 4 (744)
- **Crampton**: Act 1 (531), Act 2 (1,066), Act 4 (579)
- **Gloria**: Act 1 (249), Act 2 (821), Act 3 (493), Act 4 (574)
- **McComas**: Act 2 (664), Act 3 (1,035), Act 4 (337)
- **Philip**: Act 1 (804), Act 2 (671), Act 3 (166), Act 4 (91)
- **Dolly**: Act 1 (602), Act 2 (416), Act 3 (137), Act 4 (244)
- **Bohun**: Act 4 (1,006)

## The longest speeches

| Speech | Scene | Words | Lines |
| --- | --- | --- | --- |
| McComas: “Let me make one last appeal. Mrs. Clandon: believe me, there are men who have a good deal of feeling, and kind feeling, too, which they are not able to express. What you miss in Crampton is that mere veneer of civilization, the art of showing worthless attentions and paying insincere compliments in a kindly, charming way. If you lived in London, where the whole system is one of false good-fellowship, and you may know a man for twenty years without finding out that he hates you like poison, you would soon have your eyes opened. There we do unkind things in a kind way: we say bitter things in a sweet voice: we always give our friends chloroform when we tear them to pieces. But think of the other side of it! Think of the people who do kind things in an unkind way—people whose touch hurts, whose voices jar, whose tempers play them false, who wound and worry the people they love in the very act of trying to conciliate them, and yet who need affection as much as the rest of us. Crampton has an abominable temper, I admit. He has no manners, no tact, no grace. He’ll never be able to gain anyone’s affection unless they will take his desire for it on trust. Is he to have none—not even pity—from his own flesh and blood?” | Act 3 | 233 | 24 |
| Valentine: “Thank you. Now may I ask, to begin with, have you ever been in an English seaside resort before? I thought so. Well, Mr. Clandon, our acquaintance has been short; but it has been voluble; and I have gathered enough to convince me that you are neither of you capable of conceiving what life in an English seaside resort is. Believe me, it’s not a question of manners and appearance. In those respects we enjoy a freedom unknown in Madeira. Oh, yes, I assure you. Lord de Cresci’s sister bicycles in knickerbockers; and the rector’s wife advocates dress reform and wears hygienic boots. No, that’s not the sort of boot I mean. We don’t bother much about dress and manners in England, because, as a nation we don’t dress well and we’ve no manners. But—and now will you excuse my frankness? Thank you. Well, in a seaside resort there’s one thing you must have before anybody can afford to be seen going about with you; and that’s a father, alive or dead. Am I to infer that you have omitted that indispensable part of your social equipment? Them I’m sorry to say that if you are going to stay here for any length of time, it will be impossible for me to accept your kind invitation to lunch.” | Act 1 | 219 | 22 |
| Mrs. Clandon: “Phil: take care. Remember what I have always taught you. There are two sorts of family life, Phil; and your experience of human nature only extends, so far, to one of them. The sort you know is based on mutual respect, on recognition of the right of every member of the household to independence and privacy in their personal concerns. And because you have always enjoyed that, it seems such a matter of course to you that you don’t value it. But there is another sort of family life: a life in which husbands open their wives’ letters, and call on them to account for every farthing of their expenditure and every moment of their time; in which women do the same to their children; in which no room is private and no hour sacred; in which duty, obedience, affection, home, morality and religion are detestable tyrannies, and life is a vulgar round of punishments and lies, coercion and rebellion, jealousy, suspicion, recrimination—Oh! I cannot describe it to you: fortunately for you, you know nothing about it.” | Act 1 | 178 | 18 |
| Waiter: “We get on together very well, very well indeed, sir, considering the difference in our stations. A small lump of sugar, sir, will take the flatness out of the seltzer without noticeably sweetening the drink, sir. Allow me, sir. But as I say to him, where’s the difference after all? If I must put on a dress coat to show what I am, sir, he must put on a wig and gown to show what he is. If my income is mostly tips, and there’s a pretence that I don’t get them, why, his income is mostly fees, sir; and I understand there’s a pretence that he don’t get them! If he likes society, and his profession brings him into contact with all ranks, so does mine, too, sir. If it’s a little against a barrister to have a waiter for his father, sir, it’s a little against a waiter to have a barrister for a son: many people consider it a great liberty, sir, I assure you, sir. Can I get you anything else, sir?” | Act 2 | 176 | 18 |
| Valentine: “My conscience! My conscience has been my ruin. Listen to me. Twice before I have set up as a respectable medical practitioner in various parts of England. On both occasions I acted conscientiously, and told my patients the brute truth instead of what they wanted to be told. Result, ruin. Now I’ve set up as a dentist, a five shilling dentist; and I’ve done with conscience forever. This is my last chance. I spent my last sovereign on moving in; and I haven’t paid a shilling of rent yet. I’m eating and drinking on credit; my landlord is as rich as a Jew and as hard as nails; and I’ve made five shillings in six weeks. If I swerve by a hair’s breadth from the straight line of the most rigid respectability, I’m done for. Under such a circumstance, is it fair to ask me to lunch with you when you don’t know your own father?” | Act 1 | 156 | 16 |
| Crampton: “She told you what I am—a father—a father robbed of his children. What are the hearts of this generation like? Am I to come here after all these years—to see what my children are for the first time! to hear their voices!—and carry it all off like a fashionable visitor; drop in to lunch; be Mr. Crampton—Mister Crampton! What right have they to talk to me like that? I’m their father: do they deny that? I’m a man, with the feelings of our common humanity: have I no rights, no claims? In all these years who have I had round me? Servants, clerks, business acquaintances. I’ve had respect from them—aye, kindness. Would one of them have spoken to me as that girl spoke?—would one of them have laughed at me as that boy was laughing at me all the time? My own children! Mister Crampton! My—” | Act 2 | 153 | 16 |
| Crampton: “No, no: sit down. Sit down, won’t you? Gloria. There! You see I only want to show you that I am your father, my—my dear child. Listen now. What I want to ask you is this. Don’t you remember me at all? You were only a tiny child when you were taken away from me; but you took plenty of notice of things. Can’t you remember someone whom you loved, or at least liked in a childish way? Come! someone who let you stay in his study and look at his toy boats, as you thought them? Someone who let you do as you liked there and never said a word to you except to tell you that you must sit still and not speak? Someone who was something that no one else was to you—who was your father.” | Act 2 | 141 | 15 |
| Valentine: “Of course not. Now what happens in the duel of sex? The old fashioned mother received an old fashioned education to protect her against the wiles of man. Well, you know the result: the old fashioned man got round her. The old fashioned woman resolved to protect her daughter more effectually—to find some armor too strong for the old fashioned man. So she gave her daughter a scientific education—your plan. That was a corker for the old fashioned man: he said it wasn’t fair—unwomanly and all the rest of it. But that didn’t do him any good. So he had to give up his old fashioned plan of attack—you know—going down on his knees and swearing to love, honor and obey, and so on.” | Act 3 | 129 | 13 |
| Bohun: “It’s no use, Miss Clandon: you can’t put me down. I tell you your name will soon be neither Clandon nor Crampton; and I could tell you what it will be if I chose. Mr. Crampton: your notion of going to law is all nonsense: your children will be of age before you could get the point decided. You can do nothing but make a friendly arrangement. If you want your family more than they want you, you’ll get the worse of the arrangement: if they want you more than you want them, you’ll get the better of it. The strength of their position lies in their being very agreeable people personally. The strength of your position lies in your income.” | Act 4 | 121 | 13 |
| McComas: “It has dropped down on us out of the clouds. On my way back here from Crampton’s I met a most eminent Q.C., a man whom I briefed in the case that made his name for him. He has come down here from Saturday to Monday for the sea air, and to visit a relative of his who lives here. He has been good enough to say that if I can arrange a meeting of the parties he will come and help us with his opinion. Now do let us seize this chance of a quiet friendly family adjustment. Let me bring my friend here and try to persuade Crampton to come, too. Come: consent.” | Act 3 | 116 | 12 |

## Small roles that can be doubled

These pairs of small roles never speak in the same scene, so one actor could play both. Check entrances and silent appearances in your script before you cast it this way.

- Bohun and The Young Lady
- Bohun and The Dentist
- Bohun and The Parlor Maid
- Bohun and The Gentleman
- Bohun and The Young Gentleman
- Bohun and Dolly’s voice
- Bohun and Philip’s voice
- The Young Lady and The Gentleman
- The Young Lady and The Stranger
- The Young Lady and The Columbine
- The Young Lady and Dolly’s voice
- The Young Lady and Philip’s voice

## Questions actors ask

### Who has the most lines in You Never Can Tell?

Valentine, with about 545 lines and 4,368 words, 21.2% of everything spoken in the play. Mrs. Clandon is next, with about 362 lines (13.5%).

### How long is You Never Can Tell?

The full text has 20,558 spoken words, about 147 minutes at 140 words a minute before pauses, scene changes, and cuts. Most productions cut the text, so running times vary.

### How many speaking roles are in You Never Can Tell?

18 named roles speak in this edition, across 4 scenes. 9 of them have less than 2% of the words, which is why small parts are often doubled.

## How we count

Counts are computed from the full text of the [Standard Ebooks edition](https://standardebooks.org/ebooks/george-bernard-shaw/you-never-can-tell) (public domain; retrieved 2026-10-08). Words are every spoken word, with stage directions removed. Lines are verse lines as printed, plus prose at 10 words a line, because prose has no fixed line breaks; editions differ, so other sources give slightly different line counts. Time is words at 140 words a minute, before pauses and stage business. A role is counted in a scene when it speaks there. To count a script that is not in the library, paste it into the [script line counter](https://www.offbook.com/tools/script-line-counter).