You Never Can Tell: every role by lines, words, and stage time

George Bernard Shaw. 18 speaking roles, 20,558 words, about 147 minutes of speech.

The Offbook team

Oct 8, 2026

Valentine has the most to say in You Never Can Tell: about 545 lines and 4,368 words, 21.2% of the play. You Never Can Tell is Shaw’s seaside comedy about a family who meet the father they never knew. Valentine, a young dentist, has the largest part, about a fifth of the words. Mrs. Clandon is next, and the Waiter is a large and memorable role at third. Gloria, Philip, and Dolly all speak in every act.

Speaking roles: 18
Scenes: 4
Words: 20,558
Speech time: 147 min

Every role, largest first

Role	Lines	Words	Share	Minutes	Scenes
Valentine	545	4,368	21.2%	31.2	4
Mrs. Clandon	362	2,767	13.5%	19.8	4
Waiter	292	2,409	11.7%	17.2	3
Crampton	287	2,176	10.6%	15.5	3
Gloria	294	2,137	10.4%	15.3	4
McComas	251	2,036	9.9%	14.5	3
Philip	247	1,732	8.4%	12.4	4
Dolly	226	1,399	6.8%	10.0	4
Bohun	121	1,006	4.9%	7.2	1
The Young Lady	39	288	1.4%	2.1	1
The Dentist	20	104	0.5%	0.7	1
The Parlor Maid	12	56	0.3%	0.4	1
The Gentleman	9	39	0.2%	0.3	1
The Stranger	2	16	0.1%	0.1	1
The Columbine	2	12	0.1%	0.1	1
The Young Gentleman	2	7	0%	0.1	1
Dolly’s voice	1	2	0%	0.0	1
Philip’s voice	1	1	0%	0.0	1

Who speaks in which scene

Darker cells mean more words in that scene. Use it to plan rehearsal calls, or to see how long an actor waits between entrances.

Role	Act 1	Act 2	Act 3	Act 4
Valentine
Mrs. Clandon
Waiter
Crampton
Gloria
McComas
Philip
Dolly
Bohun

The longest speeches

Speech	Scene	Words	Lines
McComas: “Let me make one last appeal. Mrs. Clandon: bel…”	Act 3	233	24
Valentine: “Thank you. Now may I ask, to begin with, have …”	Act 1	219	22
Mrs. Clandon: “Phil: take care. Remember what I have always t…”	Act 1	178	18
Waiter: “We get on together very well, very well indeed…”	Act 2	176	18
Valentine: “My conscience! My conscience has been my ruin.…”	Act 1	156	16
Crampton: “She told you what I am—a father—a father robbe…”	Act 2	153	16
Crampton: “No, no: sit down. Sit down, won’t you? Gloria.…”	Act 2	141	15
Valentine: “Of course not. Now what happens in the duel of…”	Act 3	129	13
Bohun: “It’s no use, Miss Clandon: you can’t put me do…”	Act 4	121	13
McComas: “It has dropped down on us out of the clouds. O…”	Act 3	116	12

Small roles that can be doubled

These pairs of small roles never speak in the same scene, so one actor could play both. Check entrances and silent appearances in your script before you cast it this way.

Bohun and The Young Lady
Bohun and The Dentist
Bohun and The Parlor Maid
Bohun and The Gentleman
Bohun and The Young Gentleman
Bohun and Dolly’s voice
Bohun and Philip’s voice
The Young Lady and The Gentleman
The Young Lady and The Stranger
The Young Lady and The Columbine
The Young Lady and Dolly’s voice
The Young Lady and Philip’s voice

Questions actors ask

Who has the most lines in You Never Can Tell?

Valentine, with about 545 lines and 4,368 words, 21.2% of everything spoken in the play. Mrs. Clandon is next, with about 362 lines (13.5%).

How long is You Never Can Tell?

The full text has 20,558 spoken words, about 147 minutes at 140 words a minute before pauses, scene changes, and cuts. Most productions cut the text, so running times vary.

How many speaking roles are in You Never Can Tell?

18 named roles speak in this edition, across 4 scenes. 9 of them have less than 2% of the words, which is why small parts are often doubled.